One of the most vulnerable human experiences is mortality. Understandably, many of us may feel unprepared to lose a loved one. There may have been much left unsaid, or maybe too much painfully said, when they were alive. Either way, the finality of death forces some practical aspects to get clear, if not instantly, then at least as quickly as possible. Sometimes when we are in mourning, it is enormously difficult to act efficiently and promptly.
I’ve observed in cases of deep grief that the survivor may have difficulty accessing their “right mind”, as we say. Grief can be fickle, potent, and in some cases can feel akin to insanity itself. It can be one of the absolutely most torturous times to try and think clearly and rationally. To complete detailed paperwork or challenging conversations can seem insurmountable. Yet sometimes a surviving loved one is the best or even only one to make certain decisions about the estate, which can lead to more clarity and peace for everyone involved. Following are some tips that may help to be productive while also honoring the grieving process.
1) Work out a timeshare.
When grieving, I recommend that people who have to complete logistical work get at least 5 times as long to “do nothing”. If they spend an hour on Monday answering questions or calling the bank, for example, let’s make sure that at least 5 hours of that same Monday is also spent between their choices of taking naps, talking to trusted friends, journaling, or just zoning out to nice music. “No pain no gain” is one of the worst strategies to employ during grief, so keep it as light and simple as possible, especially early on.
2) Enroll a clarity buddy.
Sometimes grief can affect our decision-making abilities. Remaining feelings, fears, regrets, etc. can sometimes force hasty decisions in the practical realm. Make sure that the tried and true Buddy System is in place for having to sign documents, make decisions, transfer money, etc. Having at least one person as a trusted sounding board can make a huge positive difference.
3) Differentiate between urgent and important.
The saying goes, “If it’s urgent it’s probably not important, and if it’s important it’s probably not urgent”. Individual agendas, especially within complicated family systems, can make some decisions appear to be urgent, when they legally are not. Avoid blindly rushing just to meet someone else’s agenda or perceived comfort. Sometimes other peoples’ grief can impact them to lose track of their kindness and patience. Decision-makers can be most helpful by not giving in to artificial force or haste.
– Beth Crittenden, CFO and Coach with Mindful Life, Mindful Work
Beth blends a decade of experience with personal and small business financial coaching, with meditation and trauma recovery practices. Beth is located in Mill Valley, California, and works with clients both virtually and in person. She can be reached directly at Beth.Crittenden@mindfullifemindfulwork.com